Quotables
by Marsbert
Summary: Just a silly little fic I came up with using some famous and not so famous movie quotes with our favorite SV characters! i tried to make it funny :)


Title: Quotables  
Author: Marsbert  
Rating: R for language  
Disclaimer: Don't own anything, except for the idea, that was mine.  
Summary: This is just a stupid little skit-like thing I came up with in one of my   
more boring classes. Its a quirky little bit where everyone speaks in (mostly) movie   
quotes. Some are more famous than others, have fun trying to figure out which are   
from what movie. :)  
  
******************************************************************  
  
Ma Kent: This story is about truth, beauty, freedom; but above all things, this   
story is about love.  
  
Pa Kent: Where the hell are you from? Krypton?  
  
Clark Kent: Not funny, Dad.  
  
Ma: There's something terribly wrong here in Derry, and you know it!  
  
Pa: Who care's about Derry! This is Smallville!  
  
Clark: This is nuts, I'm going to Lex's. I'll be back.  
  
Ma: You will remember to wash your hands before you eat anything?  
  
Clark: Come with me if you want to live!  
  
Ma and Pa look at each other and then back at Clark and rush to follow him down   
to the Luthor Mansion.  
  
Lex Luthor: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare   
to die.  
  
Clark: I thought your name was Lex?   
  
Lex: Sorry 'bout that.  
  
Lionel Luthor: I imagine that right now you're feeling a bit like Alice, tumbling   
down the rabbit hole.  
  
Lex: Dad, what are you doing here?  
  
Lionel: I'm like a bad penny, I always turn up.  
  
Lana Lang: Anybody ever tell you you look dead?  
  
Clark: Lana? Whitney?  
  
Lionel: All you people are so scared of me. But it ain't me you gotta worry   
about now.  
  
Clark: What's that supposed to mean?  
  
Chloe: This house is clean.  
  
Lana: They're here.  
  
Clark: Chloe? Pete? Was everyone invited?  
  
Lex: Of course it's clean, we have like fifty maids working here.   
  
Chloe: The shit hath hitith the fan... ith.  
  
Clark: How so?  
  
Chloe: God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs. Dinosaurs   
eat man. Woman inherits the earth.  
  
Pete: Funny.  
  
Lex: You talking to me?  
  
Chloe: No  
  
Lex: In space, no one can hear you scream.  
  
Clark: What does that mean?  
  
Lex: It means buckle your seatbelt, Dorothy, 'cause Kansas is going bye-bye.  
  
Clark: You're tearing me apart!  
  
Lionel: You lack the courage of your convictions, sir. Do it.  
  
Clark: Do what!?  
  
Lionel: At my signal, unleash hell!  
  
Lex: I'll make him an offer he can't refuse.  
  
Lionel: You're the Diet Coke of evil, just one calorie, not evil enough.  
  
Clark: Stop fighting you two!  
  
Lex: It's his fault!  
  
Lionel: Oh, spare me the psycho babble father bullshit!  
  
Lex: (quivering lip) It's not personal, Sonny. It's strictly business.  
  
Clark: Who's Sonny?  
  
Lex: I told you, don't call me Junior.  
  
Clark: I didn't.  
  
Ma: The complete lack of humility for nature that's being displayed here is   
staggering.  
  
Chloe: Right, time to get to work. Move over, Rover. This chick is taking over.  
  
Lana: Over what?  
  
Pete: She just goes a little mad sometimes. We all go a little mad sometimes.   
Haven't you?  
  
Whitney: Now I know what a TV dinner feels like.  
  
Lana: Talk to the hand 'cause the face don't wanna hear it.  
  
Chloe: Listen people, there's a huge bomb somewhere in Smallville and since   
nobody else knows about it, we all have to find it and stop it!  
  
Lana: Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?  
  
Lex: We're all gonna die!  
  
Whitney: Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.  
  
Lana: I think you need your balls reattached.  
  
Pete: What do we have to do?!  
  
Pa: Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence.   
  
Everyone: Huh?  
  
Pa: Nothin'. To be or not to be... that is the question.  
  
Lana: I thought the question was how we were gonna stop the bomb from blowing   
up Smallville?  
  
Pa: Doh!  
  
Lionel: DO NOT attempt to grow a brain!  
  
Clark: Somebody's in a bad mood today.  
  
Lionel: Luke, I am your father.  
  
Lex: My name's Lex, dad.  
  
Lionel: Oh yeah.   
  
Clark: There is no spoon.  
  
Lex: What?  
  
Clark: It must really blow being you.  
  
Lex: Shut up.   
  
Clark: There can be only one!  
  
Chloe: One what?  
  
Ma: It's alive, its alive!  
  
Lex: Sorry?  
  
Clark: She's ok, it's nothing. Uh-uh, Mother-m-mother, uh, what is the phrase?   
She isn't quite herself today.  
  
Lex: Mr. Wizard! Get me the hell out of here!  
  
Whitney: Are you crazy? Who are you talking to?  
  
Lex: NO! Poor people are crazy, Jack. I'm eccentric.  
  
Ma: Haven't you ever heard of the healing power of laughter?  
  
Lana: I've had enough of your psycho ramblings! (Lunges at Ma Kent)  
  
Chloe: Get away from her you bitch!  
  
While Lana and Chloe are fighting, Whitney scoots over near Pete, Lex, and Clark.  
  
Whitney: Are you not entertained?   
  
Clark: Not really.  
  
Pete: (flinches as he watches the cat fight) Oooh, that's gonna leave a mark.  
  
  
Whitney: (watching too intently) Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.  
  
Pete: (snickering) Wax on, wax off.  
  
Lionel: Today is a good day to die.  
  
Pa: You're willing to be tested like that?  
  
Lionel: A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava   
beans and a nice chianti.  
  
Chloe: (fight's done) I need a drink.  
  
Lex: Here, have a blue bottle.  
  
Chloe chugs the entire thing.  
  
Chloe: We are indubitably disconsolately in a impregnable predicament.   
  
Lex: Leave it to you to use big words when you're smashed.  
  
Chloe: No, I'm good. (Wobbles) I'm fine. (Sits down)  
  
Clark: Hey Dad, is Mom ok? She got awfully quiet.  
  
Ma: I don't want to use up all my lines just yet hun, that's all.  
  
Clark: Oh, ok.  
  
Pa: I'm getting too old for this shit! Somebody get me a god-damned   
wheelchair!  
  
Lana: But Mr. Kent, you're still a strapping middle aged man in his late forties who   
still makes the women swoon with that sexy southern drawl!  
  
Pa: (jumps up) I put the "grrrr" in swinger baby, yeah!  
  
Chloe: People! We have to think of something!  
  
Lionel: Who put you in charge? After what you did to Whitney last week I don't   
think you should have a say in anything.  
  
Chloe: I still maintain he kicked himself in the balls.  
  
Whitney: I did not!  
  
Lex: Who cares, we're all gonna be blown up soon anyway!  
  
Whitney: Our last two days on Earth. If I had a dick I'd go get laid.   
  
Pete: What happened to it?  
  
Whitney points towards Chloe.  
  
Lana: We're all gonna die!  
  
Clark: Don't be afraid. I'm going to give you the choice I never had.  
  
Whitney: Get away from my girl Kent!  
  
Whitney takes Lana aside and puts his arm around her lovingly.  
  
Whitney: I was made for lovin' you, baby, you were made for lovin' me!  
  
Lana: What?  
  
Whitney: What kind of sex isn't casual?  
  
Lana: Whitney, you're not making sense.  
  
Whitney: Shall we shag now or shag later?  
  
Lana: Excuse me?  
  
Whitney: Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing!  
  
Lana: Whitney, you're insane.  
  
Whitney: You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably   
have special dorms for people like us.  
  
Lex: I hate to interrupt this moment of burgeoning intimacy, but let's get the   
hell out of here!  
  
Whitney: Shut up Luthor.  
  
Whitney reluctantly followed Lana back to the group where Chloe finally managed   
to stay on her feet for more than five minutes.  
  
Pa: What are we gonna do?  
  
Clark: If at first you don't succeed... try, try again.  
  
Lex: I always succeed.  
  
Lionel: Hell is only a word. The reality is much, much worse.  
  
Lana: Somebody's pretty pessimistic.  
  
Lionel: You may wake up one day and find yourself extinct.  
  
Pa: Lionel that isn't helping.  
  
Lionel: Sometimes dead is better.  
  
Pa: You're dancing on razor blades here.  
  
Pete: All right everyone, here's the plan. We're gonna take the Kent's truck down   
town and find this damned bomb and disarm it!  
  
Everyone looked at Pete, then smiled and nodded. They started to agree more and   
more with him and Pete stood there, amazed.  
  
Pete: I'm the king of the world!  
  
Chloe: We're a bit sure of ourselves aren't we?  
  
Pete: What's your favorite scary movie?  
  
Chloe: Cute Pete, cute. (Gasps) Joygasm!  
  
Pete: What?  
  
Chloe: You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus.   
  
Pete: That would make sense.  
  
Chloe: That's what I call a close encounter.  
  
Whitney: Has the fact that you're completely psycho managed to escape your   
attention?  
  
Lex: Don't get too close. Believe me, you don't want Hannibal Lecter inside   
your head.  
  
Ma: He doesn't live in Smallville too does he? That's all we need.  
  
Pete: It's just Chloe!  
  
Clark: Besides Lex, why should we listen to you? This bomb is probably your fault   
anyway.  
  
Whitney: Yeah!  
  
Lex: What?  
  
Clark: Since I've met you I've nearly been incinerated, drowned, shot at, and   
chopped into fish bait.  
  
Lex: But Clark, I thought we were friends.  
  
Clark: Danger holds you to me!  
  
Lex: Mini-me, you complete me.  
  
Clark: I'm a foot taller than you!  
  
Lionel: Don't be mad at him Clark, I mean.......how can anyone love a pebble in   
their shoe?  
  
Lex: Tell me the truth Clark, is it because I'm bald?  
  
Clark: You cant handle the truth!  
  
Lex: Some motherfuckers always trying to ice skate uphill.  
  
Clark: Don't be someone else's slogan because you are poetry.  
  
Whitney: Is there something you two want to tell the rest of us?  
  
Clark and Lex: All you need is love!  
  
Lionel: Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability.  
  
Clark: Who's Mr. Anderson? Was that a threat?  
  
Lionel: Which one of you nuts has got any guts?  
  
Clark: I'm warning you Luthor.  
  
Lionel: You know, with a gun in your mouth, you speak only in vowels.  
  
Pa: The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.  
  
Lionel: You're all insane.  
  
Chloe: You know Mr. Luthor, you're not as vile as I thought you were.  
  
Lionel: Really? Why is that?  
  
Chloe: Because, today I saw a slave become more powerful than the Emperor   
of Rome.  
  
Lionel: What's that supposed to mean? Nevermind, I like the way it sounds.  
  
Pete: Must go faster!  
  
Whitney: It ain't over till it's over  
  
Clark grabs Lana by the shoulders and gently shakes her.  
  
Clark: If I could ask God one thing, it would be to stop the moon. Stop the   
moon and make this night and your beauty last forever.  
  
Lana: Clark, you're not making anymore sense than Whitney. How come whenever   
the guys start to talk to me they become babbling idiots?  
  
Clark: I always thought it'd be better to be a fake somebody than a real   
nobody.  
  
Lana: That's so sad.  
  
Clark: I used to think the only alien in this high school was me.  
  
Lana: What's that supposed to mean?!  
  
Lex: It means, you have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have   
been found wanting.  
  
Whitney: (pushing Clark away) You break her heart and I'll break your neck.  
  
Clark: I advise you not to do that.  
  
Whitney: Take *this* under advisement, jerkweed!  
  
Whitney punches Clark in the face and breaks his hand on Clark's nose.  
  
Whitney: Fuck!  
  
Lana: Whitney! Bad potty mouth!  
  
Clark: Stop trying to hit me and hit me! Dad, aren't you gonna help defend my   
honor?  
  
Pa doesn't say anything.  
  
Ma: He's out of lines dear.  
  
Clark: Damn.  
  
Lex grabs Whitney's arm.  
  
Whitney: Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!  
  
Lex: (shocked) That wasn't very nice.  
  
Whitney: In the language of my generation: up yours!  
  
Lionel: Never send a human to do a machine's job.  
  
Chloe: Now what does that mean?  
  
Lionel: It means lets get going so we don't all get blown to shit.  
  
Pete: Let's kick the tires and light the fires, big daddy!  
  
Everyone rushes outside and starts to climb into the Kent family truck.  
  
Whitney: We're gonna need a bigger boat.  
  
Lana: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's superman!  
  
Clark: That's not funny Lana.  
  
Lana: No, there's something under my seat.  
  
Ma: There's enough C-4 on this thing to put a hole in the world!  
  
Whitney: A handful of people on a leaky boat are gonna save the world?  
  
Pete: What is with you and the boats?  
  
Lana: (Looking at Ma Kent) When I die, I'm gonna come back just like you.  
  
Lex: Nobody move! If anyone gets off this rickity old truck, the whole thing will   
blow!  
  
Whitney: Luthor, I'm gonna kill you.  
  
Lana: Why is it that when boys play, they play at killing each other?  
  
Clark: Let me take a look at it.  
  
Clark gets under the truck and looks at the bomb, but quickly gets out and stands   
back up.   
  
Clark: Its not my job to save all your asses, I'm not on the truck.  
  
Lana: If I could have any job in the world I'd be a professional Cinderella.  
  
Chloe: That figures. Thank God that was your last line.   
  
Lana glares at her.  
  
Lionel: (To Clark) Tell me, Mr. Anderson, what good is a phone call when you   
are unable to speak?  
  
Clark: I'm not the one who ran out of lines, I still have three left. And what the fuck   
is up with you and Mr. Anderson?  
  
Lex: Oh the joy of swearing.   
  
Chloe: Lets get this show on the road!   
  
Lex: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!  
  
Clark: (To the audience) And you thought I was bad.  
  
Whitney grabs Lex and starts to smother him, until Pa Kent finally pulls him off.  
  
Lex: I bin violated!  
  
Clark: Pete, think you can drive?  
  
Pete: Oh sure. It's just like driving a really big Pinto.  
  
Chloe: What's a Pinto?  
  
Clark: Well, just stay on the road.  
  
Pete: Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads.  
  
Pete started up the truck but nothing happened.  
  
Chloe: Remove head from sphincter, then drive!  
  
Clark: Lex, if the time comes, will you be ready and willing to help me out?  
  
Lex: You bring the equipment, I'll bring my balls.  
  
Lionel: All right people, get your shit together.  
  
Whitney: (Staring out the window) Cow…….'nother cow.  
  
Lex: What did you expect? We live in Hick Central!  
  
Clark: Pete, you ok?  
  
Pete: (nodding) I've only got one line left, I want to save it.  
  
Lex: It's too heavy, we need to get rid of some weight. How about one of the   
mimes?  
  
Lex looks at Ma Kent. Clark grabs his arm.  
  
Clark: A boy's best friend is his mother.  
  
Lex: All right fine, tell the fat lady she's on in five.  
  
Whitney: Hasta la vista, baby.  
  
Chloe: Nothing's happened yet.  
  
Whitney: I'm a premature ejaculator.  
  
Chloe: W.T.M.I.  
  
Clark: Lex....do you believe in god?  
  
Lex: I absolutely believe in God... and I absolutely hate the fucker.  
  
Pete slowed the truck down and Clark and Lex looked at eachother.  
  
  
Clark: Everybody ready? Luthor?  
  
Lionel: You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.  
  
Ma: You're no miracle.  
  
Lex: Shit!  
  
Clark: What?!  
  
Lex: I've only got one line left!  
  
Clark: Lex, get ready to get off. Why does that sound naughty?  
  
Chloe: Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do   
well to cover their ears right about now.  
  
Ma: If you guys get off this whole truck could blow!  
  
Lionel: Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.  
  
Clark: Goodnight, sweet prince  
  
Lex: Who are you talking to?  
  
Clark: GO!  
  
Clark and Lex leaped out of their doors and landed on the ground and waited for   
the huge explosion behind them. When nothing happened, they turned back and   
began to laugh. Clark looked at Lex through the windows of the truck.  
  
Lex: (Waving and smiling like a mad man) Here's Johnny!  
  
Clark: It wasn't such a good day to die.  
  
Lionel: Much obliged, and I do wish we could chat longer, but I'm having an   
old friend for dinner. So can we please get going now that this thing isn't going to   
blow my dick off.  
  
Lex: What dick?  
  
Ma Kent hopped off the truck and grabbed onto Clark. Lex climbed back in to wait   
for Clark and Ma Kent to get back in while Pete and Whitney got onto the flatbed   
in the back.  
  
Suddenly there was a loud click and the truck burst up into the air in flames. Clark   
and Ma Kent fell to the ground while Whitney and Pete went flying into the nearby   
trees.  
  
Ma: Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well.  
  
Clark: Ma, nobody was named Yorick.  
  
Ma: I know.  
  
Away in the distance, Whitney and Pete hung helplessly in the tree branches.  
  
Whitney: Well, it's just you and me kid.  
  
  
Pete sighed at the thought and turned to the audience.  
  
Pete: T-t-t-that's all folks!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
That's all there is, there isn't anymore. 


End file.
